Writing this post wasn’t the easiest. I felt a shift in my body and so many emotions take over as I reflected on this year. A lot of guilt, honestly.
There were a lot of high highs and low lows—feeling overwhelmed by life at times which always coincided with feeling guilty—for feeling that way. How could I feel this defeated when I have everything I’ve ever wanted?
I opened up each month’s archive on my blog and pulled all of my favorites for this years photo recap. Noticing how I continued to gravitate mainly towards the ones with Matt, Grace, and Scout captured. Family trips and weekends at home in the backyard. It made me teary because I went into this draft about to pour my heart out a little bit with a focus on the struggle / overcoming it. I keep having to remind myself—it doesn’t have to be one way or the other. Life can be equally difficult and beautiful at the same time.
I think my biggest mental hurdle this year was longing to feel like myself again. I realized that it had been a couple of years since I felt really connected and dialed into who I was. Pandemic / pregnancy / moving away from the city / postpartum / motherhood all kept me in a weird limbo almost, or perhaps an identity crisis? I never ‘bounced back’ emotionally and think I had been on autopilot for ages—just ‘trying to get through’. Swimming upstream juggling all facets of my life, and being way too hard on myself along the way.
Since Grace was born, Matt and I had been taking turns watching her during our work days. She turned 7 months at the start of 2022 and a month in started crawling. This is when things got to be a little more challenging, as you can imagine! I really struggled during the next 6 months as I felt lost—and I so badly wanted to sort my own shit out so that I could show up as the kind of person I am proud of. I remember constantly feeling drained and defeated because I simply couldn’t sustain juggling it all.
I’m usually a positive, lighthearted, bubbly person, but everything that had transpired over the years compounded and I started to take life too seriously. After hitting a breaking point this summer, we finally sorted out childcare for Grace in July. Once our family adjusted to all of our new routines, things became a lot clearer.
Side note: I just got an email from daycare with this photo of Grace, and I started bawling. Parenthood is a trip—the hardest job but there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t stare at her and thank my lucky stars.
Grateful that she is thriving with her pals at daycare and getting all the playtime and fun interaction! And for the time that Matt and I can focus on our jobs and individual routines, too. We are able to come back together with filled tanks! I started to see glimmers of the zest-for-life me the last couple of months—I can’t tell you how liberating it has felt!
My intention for 2023 is to prioritize a healthy, clear mind so that I can show up as the best wife, mom, and friend. To focus on life’s enjoyment and fun! I never want to live in autopilot “day in day out”. I know that I have the answers, contentment, and happiness within me. And it’s my job to take the best care of myself/soul. And when help is needed, it’s okay (and probably in your best interest) to find it/ask!
I also want to note the immense gratitude I have for this community. I say it all the time and this won’t be the last! You are the best, I know how lucky I am—thank you so much for staying connected this year. Our chats uplift and delight! It means more than you know.
Against all odds while I internally navigated through all my stuff, I had my most successful year to date with my work, and it’s a million percent because you believe in me, cheer me on, and take part in this corner of the internet. Thank you so very much.
I am thrilled for ’23. I can feel it, it’s going to be an amazing one. xx
And as a closing note, I am more grateful for Matt than ever—without him, I would have completely lost the plot. Love you babes!